Sun blazed stories & False promises

Mauritius, I’m sorry I left you. I know you think I’ve forgotten you. I know you think I’ve erased you from my mind. I haven’t. How could I ever do such a thing? Mauritius, you took my heart. You broke it and kept some pieces with you. You took them and hid them away within our memories together. You buried them in the white sand of Pereybere and let some float away in the port of Grand baie. You know how much that place means to me. You gave some to the mountains and sprinkled some in the sky. I’ve never seen the stars like I’ve seen them with you. How can I love you and hate you at the same time. Mauritius, how can I despise you when you touched my life in a way no one could but Mauritius, my memories have so many points of sadness and distress.

You were my dream. My future. My potential blood. You were my life. My body. My mind. My soul was with you Mauritius. You were meant to keep me. Instead you showed me your ugly truths. All the beautiful exteriors, promises and sun blazed stories. You took them away from me. You lied. You tricked me. I’m going to tell the world about you Mauritius. The truth. One day.

Right now I am a coward. I am ignoring your wrath. I’m in a dream and being completely selfish to protect myself. You’ve made me hide away from the cruelty and pain that is still very much alive every day. I am reminded daily by photos and stories from my dear friends there with you still working to save the lives of the voiceless. The nightmares I had with you Mauritius, those first few weeks especially. The tears I cried just from hearing the screams of those needing souls during the warm nights.

Mauritius you were supposed to show me beauty, but your beauty is harshly overcome with the truth of those who do not speak. Those animals. My animals. You should be ashamed. You’ve left me hiding, wearing my rose tinted glasses back here in England. You left me struggling to keep in contact. To keep helping. You’ve done that. It won’t be forever Mauritius but the voiceless don’t have a minute to loose. Be ready for me Mauritius. I’m almost done. I’m almost ready to step back into your fucked up reality of beauty mixed with pain. I will help. I will do what I can. I will give my heart back. But it’s not for you Mauritius. It will never be for you.

For the voiceless, the angels and my friends.

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I am not my hair

I’m not my hair. I’m not my make up. I’m not my clothes or my break up. I’m not that wine. I’m not that car. I’m not anything you that you think you are.

I’m not rich. I don’t have a lot. But I have friends and family that you do not. I’m judged if I do. I’m judged if I don’t. You think it’s funny. Yes take a joke.

The truth of it all is I came back with nothing. But that would be lying as I came back with everything. Love in my heart. Head clear as skies. Experiences I’ll never loose. And here as a wife.

I left it all behind. A suitcase all I had. A few old things I bought along. Neither good or bad. A dear friend took me in. Fed me and all. Sheltered me with warm feelings and let down her wall.

She borrowed her clothes. Her makeup. Her car. She bought me drinks at a number of bars. She then and now still makes sure I’m happy. All this because she is my best chappie.

My family and friends showed me support. Took me out. Showed me love. And gave me food for thought.

My jobs landed beautifully. I’d say I’m lucky. I always work hard. Soon I’ll see the money. Life is about chances. And that’s what I take. Mauritius I haven’t forgotten you. You’re my life for goodneess sake.

So when you next see a selfie post. A Snapchat story or Facebook boast. Just remember. Never to judge. Because you don’t know the background or anything you should.

Happiness is obvious you can see in my face. But material struggle in this life has left me with a chase. Back to square one. But that’s ok. I have everything I need right here. My friends. My family. My life. My doorway.

Flight B77 – MRU to UK via Germany : 26/07/17

Flight Memoir – Logged 26/07/17 

It’s a strange feeling to be leaving a place which I thought would be my forever home. To think I had all my bets on this place. My life, my job, my future. A sense of sadness is in my mind but I can’t help feeling some what free. A complete wholeness of freedom inside of me. I feel young. As if I’m 20 years old again taking my first ever long haul flight going on an adventure but really I’m just going home. It never ceases to amaze me that I get the urge to leave home only too often to then feel pure excitement at the thought of going back. You could say my life is like a rollercoaster nobody knows what’s going to happen next! What move will I make? Will I turn everything upside down? I don’t even know.

I feel like a coward leaving as I have done. My feelings on life are completely clear but my feelings on love are messy. I love my husband but the feeling of leaving him isn’t like before. I feel freedom. And I know this can’t be a sign which is healthy! I’ve avoided writing about this subject only because I haven’t had the opportunity. I’ve been pretty  stuck, unable to express myself. But as I sit here on flight B77 listening to a meditation album which I just downloaded yesterday I feel like a bird. I’m flying. I am able to fully expand my wings and I can write anything. I can vomit all my emotions onto paper and it wouldn’t matter. No one can see. No one can be hurt. 

My life in Mauritius hasn’t been all beaches and sunshine. People like to dream, they like to assume. They build an image in their mind. They slate their own country and compare their life to mine. They tell me I’m living the dream. They tell me I’m stupid to come back to the place we call England. I don’t disagree, I don’t disagree that what they see is paradise. So many people live their lives yearning to live abroad. They think that any place with the sun, sand and sea must be better than England. No?? I left England for one reason. Love. My husband. Someone which I was head over heels and me… crazy. I just do things. Anything I want to do, I’ll do it. I have no children. No responsibilities. I’m 29, by this age I’d already dreamed my life away – I’d planned children, a house, a stable job. Ha, it’s quite laughable now. I don’t feel old. I’m not ashamed of my decisions in life. When I look around and see all my friends and family settled in work, children and marriage. Something which once appealed to me is now something which is just a distant thought. Feels like yesterday I was settling down for the hundredth time. The truth is I got married. I am a married women. But I don’t feel married, I didn’t have a big wedding with a big dress. I didn’t have my father walking me down the isle. It’s sad. Non of my friends or family. The whole build up to the day was stressful. I meant every word I said on the day. Vows which I’m afraid will be and are broken. 

Is there such thing as the one? One true love. One you spend you life with? I don’t know. But I have a theory. You have opportunities in this world. You meet many people. You grow, you learn. Life is a journey. You might fall in love a hundred times or you might not. But it’s not just about love. It’s about whether two people are compatible. Make each other smile. Bring the best out of each other. We are not robots. Meet someone, fall in love and make babies. Live the rest of your life in one place and then die. How does that make sense? We hold onto things when we should maybe let go to be able to be truly happy. I feel like up until now even though I’ve learnt many things I have been making the same mistakes one after one. And, I’ll continue making mistakes but one thing I’m sure of is this feeling of freedom and absolute clarity 40,000 miles above ground.

So I’ll live and I’ll love because life is about chances, opportunity, the now, not the later. The choices to do and be who you want. And to be sound in knowing that you can love, meet, dance, kiss or dismiss one thousand people in your life. But until you can accept that it’s your life and you need more than love alone to create a story book at least always be true to you.

They say it’s sad

It’s sad to think you were once in love. So in love you couldn’t explain in words, your heart would beat so fast and your body would fill with uncontrollable butterflies. 

It’s sad to think that once you made mountains of promises and vows which now lay aside in a deep grave filled with emptiness and dead soil. Promises of growing old and never giving up on something which you thought was worth more than the worthiness gem on the earth. A promise which you could never believe would be broken as it was a rare diamond shining so bright like a one billion year old star. 

It’s sad to think your heart and soul was completely and utterly intertwined like twisted wild weeds wrapped around a wooden fence which lead to a beautiful utopia. 

It’s sad to think our feelings can change as fast as the wind changes its direction or just as fast as a English summer can disappear in the blink of an eye. 

But what a beautiful thing to be able to feel. Feel the feelings of being in love, to feel the warmth but at the same time a daring heartache of a beautiful connection between two people. 

It’s sad. But don’t you think it’s wonderful. Don’t you think it’s wonderful to have felt that and to have taken a leap of spontaneity… to have had taken off like a rocket and experienced an outer space life whilst watching the earth move around in the same way week by week. 

The beauty of love, the sadness, the happiness, the pure joy and complete hatred. All within a short space of time. It’s sad. They say… it’s sad. But all I see is a beautiful experience, a travel in time and a wild life full of fire and knowledge. 

It’s not sad. It’s life. We feel, we love, we change, we learn and then some… 

FireĀ 

Full of mesmerising fire, heart full of indescribable passion. An old tainted soul so deep that only the world could see the erotic flames on the outside of her silhouette, whilst the inner heat could never be reached. That one second the heat rises from the centre of her being, is when the world gets burnt with complete misunderstanding. There is no fire which can coincide with hers for hers is so strong she could burn the sun for another million years. 

Emotions. My Inspiration

Life is full of emotions. Emotions we think about day to day, month to month or on that odd occasion when we hear that song that takes us back.  We bump into people from our past, we meet people that take up our future and we build memories that we never thought we would experience. We connect with people we never thought we would connect with. Whether it’s a passing moment or whether it’s a connection which is ongoing. Either way we enter into conversations which make us think, act and behave in ways which maybe we never thought we would. Tonight emotions have approached me, they’ve been provoked from others deep past, they’ve made an appearance from people who’s emotions have been locked up for so long and they’ve left me from places which are purely lifted from others pain. As much as it’s painful to release, it’s amazing to be able to express myself and feel completely comfortable doing so. Lucky as I am, and brave as I feel to be able to type my feelings down on a public blog I pass on experience and words of encouragement to those who struggle to do so. Your openness, your thoughts and your complete confidence in me to open up is my key and my meaning to write as I do. So thank you. Friends. Strangers. Acquaintances. And those who are building a place in my life. I appreciate you all. Your always my inspiration. Now and forever. 

Just a memory

Sometimes we get little reminders, some gentle some harsh but they all come at times where we remember things good or bad. Sometimes we think that a good memory is given to us to make us regret or worry about our choices but really it’s just there to remind you of the good out of a bad situation. As I sit here surrounded by fields and trees smoking a cigarette and watching the world go by I get subtle flashbacks of my life in France. Before Mauritius and when I was so in love I couldn’t think of nothing but pure bliss and happiness. I question what happened and where that dream disappeared too but then I look back at all the beautiful things that have come out of it. The universe works in weird ways but each part of my life so far has lead me to myself. It all comes back to you. Life is full of memories, surprises and changes but if you don’t remember those good times you’ll never get why it’s all happened. Maybe not right now. Maybe your questioning and looking up to the sky asking why the hell has this all happened to you. I have done the same so many times before. But I don’t regret. I don’t hate those times I see them as a massive gain. Learning and growing and realising that life is for living. Always. So if I could give one piece of advice right now it would be embrace the good, let go of the bad, love yourself, hold on to the now and allow yourself to learn and grow as a person. No matter what anyone says or does you are in control of your emotions, your feelings and your decisions in life. Don’t ever forget that.