Full of mesmerising fire, heart full of indescribable passion. An old tainted soul so deep that only the world could see the erotic flames on the outside of her silhouette, whilst the inner heat could never be reached. That one second the heat rises from the centre of her being, is when the world gets burnt with complete misunderstanding. There is no fire which can coincide with hers for hers is so strong she could burn the sun for another million years.
Life is full of emotions. Emotions we think about day to day, month to month or on that odd occasion when we hear that song that takes us back. We bump into people from our past, we meet people that take up our future and we build memories that we never thought we would experience. We connect with people we never thought we would connect with. Whether it’s a passing moment or whether it’s a connection which is ongoing. Either way we enter into conversations which make us think, act and behave in ways which maybe we never thought we would. Tonight emotions have approached me, they’ve been provoked from others deep past, they’ve made an appearance from people who’s emotions have been locked up for so long and they’ve left me from places which are purely lifted from others pain. As much as it’s painful to release, it’s amazing to be able to express myself and feel completely comfortable doing so. Lucky as I am, and brave as I feel to be able to type my feelings down on a public blog I pass on experience and words of encouragement to those who struggle to do so. Your openness, your thoughts and your complete confidence in me to open up is my key and my meaning to write as I do. So thank you. Friends. Strangers. Acquaintances. And those who are building a place in my life. I appreciate you all. Your always my inspiration. Now and forever.
Sometimes we get little reminders, some gentle some harsh but they all come at times where we remember things good or bad. Sometimes we think that a good memory is given to us to make us regret or worry about our choices but really it’s just there to remind you of the good out of a bad situation. As I sit here surrounded by fields and trees smoking a cigarette and watching the world go by I get subtle flashbacks of my life in France. Before Mauritius and when I was so in love I couldn’t think of nothing but pure bliss and happiness. I question what happened and where that dream disappeared too but then I look back at all the beautiful things that have come out of it. The universe works in weird ways but each part of my life so far has lead me to myself. It all comes back to you. Life is full of memories, surprises and changes but if you don’t remember those good times you’ll never get why it’s all happened. Maybe not right now. Maybe your questioning and looking up to the sky asking why the hell has this all happened to you. I have done the same so many times before. But I don’t regret. I don’t hate those times I see them as a massive gain. Learning and growing and realising that life is for living. Always. So if I could give one piece of advice right now it would be embrace the good, let go of the bad, love yourself, hold on to the now and allow yourself to learn and grow as a person. No matter what anyone says or does you are in control of your emotions, your feelings and your decisions in life. Don’t ever forget that.
It’s still raw. It’s bleeding and it’s open. I’m scared to touch it. I don’t want to cause more damage than my truth has already done. They say if you don’t leave it alone it will become infected. Infected with what I can only call people. I’ve tried to help and I’ve offered words which I thought might be a little medicine after such words which I ripped it open… but somehow I knew truth would libertate me and destroy the recipient. Wounds heal, they always do but I’m not one for inflicting pain. Not unless we are sharing a mutual pleasure and the pain is just for fun. This isn’t fun. This is a car crash which turned out to be the most self healing gift truth has ever given me. There’s always bitter sweet. But I can’t stop the bleeding. The blood is thick on the other side. Emotions are running high and infection is already kicking in. Me. I came off lightly. I caused this. Truth is the one who lost control of the car. Im not scared. I was but I’m not now. Truth keeps me sane and holds my head level whilst my heart does somersaults and my body weight fluctuates 5 down 3 up. And then some. The wine takes off the edge and the cigarette calms the nerves. I’m sorry but I’m not sorry for the crash. The crash was imminent.
I’m not in love.
A short goodbye… awaiting a long Mauritian story.
It's hard to leave something which has become the norm. Mauritius opened my eyes in more ways than I bargained for and I'm pretty sure the universe had this in its plan for me to grow. I have found so many things about myself which I didn't know before. I have experienced a change in the way I think, feel and see the world.
"I feel lighter. I feel freedom for the first time in my life even though in reality I have no freedom"
Being in a small Mauritian environment with the whole family and an open door policy. People walking in and out in and out in and out in and out. As if the time is flying whilst I'm still sat on the bed, my sleeping object, my sofa, my safe place, my home. I won't miss the sense of unease I get when I hear crying stray dogs in the middle of the night. Not knowing what's happening out there.
I try to shut my ears but they don't seem to comprehend that I want them to work like a mouth.
I won't miss the somewhat uncomfortable feeling of this hard bed. The pillows which I just despise or the fact every morning at 4.30 I'm woken up by the noise of gagging from the toothbrush brushing a full nights tongue and loud conversations which follow whilst family prepares for a day at work. The cats which they hate. They really do… but that I've created a special bond with, looking at me in desperation for they see me as their food giver and now I'm leaving. Now I'm gone. I won't miss the one outside toilet… that everyone uses. Or the fact throughout the day I have to fill up the actual toilet system with a jug and bucket of stored water to flush away my shit due to having no running water at certain times. The middle of the night peeing into a pot ensuring I don't piss all over the floor or myself. I won't miss the continued struggle to boil copious amounts of water because my bladder completely disagrees with the Mauritian standard.
But, the sun always welcomes me in the morning
It gives me a sense of wellness and makes me forget about the things that annoy me. It makes me forgive the fact I've peed 6 times into the pot which is now full to the brim and it helps me make peace with these old pillows which have lost their internal balance and fresh scent.
The sun shows me colours. It points out the mountain in the backdrop and the trees surrounding growing fruit. The sun is my guide.
It opens me up and helps me find gratitude for the things I do have.
The gratitude I should have and do every single day I am cared for by this loving family. I will miss them. I will miss the sun. I will miss the mountain. Nature is my dear friend and I will miss seeing her on my bus journeys.
The ocean which was once my fear has now become my love.
Its given me a sense of exhiliration and shown me the peaceful life it lives underneath the bustling boats and life on foot. The silence of the beautiful fish as they swim around me. The corals singing with colour. I can only hear myself breathing. Taking in salty aired breaths from the surface through my snorkel filled mouth. Teeth biting down hard not to let the water in. I get so engrossed in the beauty of the sea I forget I can't breathe without air.
The city. I've lived and breathed this place.
I have lived a truly Mauritian life here in Port Louis. I won't miss the city. But I will miss the city. I won't miss the struggle as people fight me to get on to the bus first, but I will miss the bus ride which reminisces the runaway train at Alton Towers. I won't miss the polluted streets and people continuously throwing things on to the road as if it doesn't matter. I think they are uneducated. They are selfish. They don't think about the damage they do. But I will miss the little shop… where I go to buy a cig or two. Berry and mint switch. He knows. They know me. I am a local. But I feel that maybe even they do this same awful thing when they no longer need that plastic cup or cigarette stub.
I won't miss the poverty
The poor healthcare system which has no care in this country but to continually send patients home with more drugs… no real solutions to problems which have been ongoing and which lead to certain death due to the incompetence of this poor reality. Sure, I am not of course giving this label to every doctor every nurse or every department in Mauritius Healthcare but what I am saying is me… I would not trust and I would not trust for my family to continue being under this care, for I worry about the outcome in the future of problems left untreated. Hygiene is not the same here… No hand gel available in the hospital corridors or treatment rooms… just a sink and soap. No urgency for cleanliness. I won't miss this mentality. Outside the hospital in Mauritian homes. Washing hands with water. No soap. Just water. If only they knew how dangerous this could be.
I will miss my husband
The daily annoyance mixed with pleasure as if we are two old best friends. Playing, laughing, fighting. The competition. The hugs. I love him. The evenings sitting outside on the veranda sharing a cig and talking about life. I won't miss the disagreements or the complete different life journeys but, I have spent every day in Mauritius with this person. By my side, listening or not listening to my shit. It was always going to be a hard transition to jumping back into an independent life as an independent women. She's still there she never left but whilst her husband travels the seas she will be living a life in Nottingham which she never lived before.
I'm different now. Not I'm different as a different person, but my outlook has changed.
My perspective has turned and my belief of life and how we should live has grown into a beautiful garden. As if since I've been planted I've struggled to grow. I've not had the right nutrients and I've shrivelled up a few times. I've deleted Facebook probably the same number of times. That's another story. But I'm blooming now.
"I can feel the sun on my leaves and the sturdiness of my roots."
I am content. I know who I am. I know who I am and it's beautiful. It may have taken almost 30 years but I finally reached the sun, I can now flourish and I can honestly say whatever the future brings, whatever happens now I'm not afraid. I'm not scared. I'm happy and I can only see light in my path. Only light and love. For Mauritius has open my eyes. And with all the island left behind the strength it's given me is the most amazing gift I'll never forget.
Until we meet again.
I hug only one person here in Mauritius. My husband. It’s a given. But I’m an English girl and I give hugs. I give them out without a thought because a hug is something which I think should be shared.
In Mauritius I have only hugged one person. See above. But last week someone hugged me. A friend made in Mauritius, a British Girl who I have only met twice. Her hug was sincere and kind to thank me for the time just spent and to bid me farewell. It wasn’t until that moment I realised she was the first actual person I’ve hugged in 6 months. As if that hug sent a signal through my brain. I hug my dad, my mum, my brother, my sister, my friends, my grandparents. I hug new friends. I sometimes hug strangers. I hug dogs, I hug cats, I hug duvet covers. I hug people who cry, I hug people who are upset, I hug customers. I am a hugger. I think it’s normal in England to hug? How could I forget a hug.
In that one moment of a small sincere hug left me smiling for the rest of the day thinking that in under a week when I return to England I’ll be hugging everyone again. But the smile fades and a lump in my throat appears when I think I’ll be hugging everyone except the only one I’ve known to hug for these 6 Mauritian months…
The impact a hug can make.